The crisp and snowy morning brought back
All those memories of long ago
Of white satin bows and daffodils
Of church yards filled with song and
Baby ducks in the far pond
But none of them brought back much to warm
My frostbit toes
No emotions stirred any thing close to an itch
And my booted feet crush the tiny snowflakes that land feverishly in my path
And I think I see the lake we once skated on
From here I see Death
On the far side of the pond
Which wasn’t there at first
For I couldn’t see it in the bright light
This is death
Remembrances I no longer take pleasure in and
The feelings that no longer comes
The knowledge that this stagnant existence is all you’ll ever get
It’s as if Emily Dickinson sold my heart out to the cheapest bidder
And my mind followed
That death is a person and no longer idea
And all those memories of long ago
Rather than give life give a sense of loss
In nature, as She so put it
Everything becomes so much clearer
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hey there, again.
I wasn't really digging your poetry style before with the purposeful cliche and while some of that is still hanging around, I do see how you were progressing. I am still bothered by the more technical things that go on with your style, like with the lack of uniform line length, beginning every line with a capital letter and the lacking in punctuation. I know that the punctuation thing is much harder to get a hang of as compared to capital letters, but I really hope that it improves as I go through your poems.
You've had a couple of nice concepts that I've encountered so far and I think you're a big fan of like nature imagery. Nature imagery and way over the top love imagery, so I am more a fan of the nature imagery. And I've also seen a couple of poems where you like to make all sorts of literary references. In this poem, it's integrated better than I saw before and the only reason I'm really commenting on all of this, is that talking about style progression is my favorite thing. I'm sure that when you started in poetry, you weren't the most confident but I can see that you've written a lot of poems over your time on yws.
And then also I want to see a change in the stanza structure. I forgot to mention this way above but this is yet another part of the more minor issues in your style. The structure affects the flow as much as all the other things and it doesn't bother me so much, it's just that quick little reminder that comes up every so often. Lines shouldn't be too uniform but the great difference just brings a weird vibe to it.
That's all I've got for now.
Happy revmo.
- lizz
This is the kind of poem I can relate to so well I wish I could call it mine. I also wish I could dedicate it to someone. This is the perfect dedication poem.
And your avatar rocks...I had it on my website at one time.
Good concept, nicely-written.
"My frostbit toes"
Should it be "frost-bitten"? Anyway, great work, I really like this one.